Sister

My sister is just awesome. I don't know who I would be without her in my life. When everyone thinks of what a big sister should be like, there is no doubt that Myra Denise Johnson should be what they should see. Dave Matthews made a song about his sister and I though it was just awesome the actual song is about 1 min 45 sec in:

Passing time with you in mind
It’s another quiet night
Feel the ground against my back
Counting stars against the black

Think about another day
Wishing I was far away
Wherever I dreamed I was
You were there with me


Sister, I hear you laugh
My heart fills full up
Keep me please
Sister, when you cry
I feel your tears
Running down my face
Sister, sister, keep me

I hope you always know it’s true
I would never make it through
You could make the sun go DARK
Just by walking away

Playing like we used to play
Like it would never go away
I feel you beating in my chest
I’d be dead without

Anytime I have gone through a rough time, she has always been there for me. The thing is my sister and I can be very different at times but at the same time, we are very similar. We both see the problem and dwell on it until it becomes almost unbearable. Its like we envelope our thoughts around it, and keep wrapping it and wrapping it until it has become so big that it is all our mind is capable of thinking about at the time. This is definitely a type of obsessive compulsive thing but it is how I work. So when things are tough, she knows exactly what I am doing and keeps me in check with that and helps to calm me down. Its like she knows what she needs to tell me for me to purge my obsessiveness. She lets me take the problem and let it be released and really see it from outside instead of looking at it from the inside out. This most likely will not make sense to anyone except those who do the same thing.

Tuesday night, Myra fell on the ice outside of our apartment on her way to work. She came back in and immediately I was shocked. Her entire face was covered in blood and it really scared me. I first did not know what happened. The worst thing is that I could not do much for her. I gave her some ice but could not find any bandages. I just felt like I couldn't do much to take care of her. And it really made me feel kinda helpless. Not to mention she was in severe pain. And just seeing her in that much pain was really hard on me.

The point is I really love my sister and can't imagine what I would do without her. Next year, she plans on moving to Boston to fulfill her career plans. I am excited for her to do this and I am very proud of her. But I still can't help but wonder what it will be like to not have her here. Still though, she is only a phone call away so I can't worry that much. Plus, Boston isn't that far away anyways and it gives me a reason to go up and visit Boston and New England. And that isn't until next August anyways, so I will deal with it when it happens.

Could use some prayer

Just as a disclaimer: this post is not fun for me and may sound like whining. But I didn't intentionally do it that way.

Lately, I feel like God must be just trying to grab my attention. I feel this way because not much in my life right now is going very well at all. Its like everything I have tried to do, even when I do take it to God, it just fails miserably and I have had no success in it. There must be a good reason all this crap is happening to me and maybe I am learning something. But right now all I can think of is the negative crap, which is not good at all. If God is trying to tell me something, he must be also testing to see what kind of patience I can endure. Frankly I am bitter to God right now, because like I said I have brought things to Him and I still can't see or hear what plans he has or why I am still struggling through it. Everything is in His time, and if it is in His will it will be done. But I would just like some answers.

Also, I know that most of things that relate to my ministry and its success have nothing to do with what I do really. God will work in the time and ways He wants to. As long as I am faithful to it, he will reward that. And it is not about me, it is about Him. I know these things-but I can't convince my sub-conscience that it isn't my fault the ministry is struggling. That it isn't my fault our numbers are way below what they were when I even first started leading. It just is always on my mind. And this goes with pretty much everything else in my life-if stuff isn't going well and I know that it isn't my fault, I still think to myself that there was something I did that was wrong. I struggle with this. It is not that I don't believe that God is in control or don't have faith that God will let be what is to be. It is that I doubt myself way too much.

God please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me. Grant me patience. Grant me peace of mind that everything is in your plan and I don't have the power to change it. Holy Spirit guide me and rescue me from my despairs. I love you Jesus.

Just do it

I have realized that I too often use 2 excuses why I don't do something to serve God.

1. I don't know what it is exactly God wants me to do

2. I can not be sure my heart is in the right place to do whatever it is.

But I have come to realize that these are ONLY excuses and nothing else. They are not legitimate in most cases if at all. I'll tackle the first one first because I think many people find it hard to hear God's voice and hence his plan or purpose for our lives. Most of the time when I think about this, it is usually in regard to my future or career plans and what I can do in long term to serve God. But not all of us are called to be preachers or missionaries. Some of you have heard the saying, "Be a missionary in disguise as a teacher, if you want to teach." Obviously you would fill in "teacher" with your occupation. Anyways I have heard this many times and it makes very good sense. But also we do know what God wants us to do:
1. Love God, love others

2. Tell others about hope in Jesus Christ.

3. Pray for each other.

4. Disciple others to grow further in their faith.

5. And probably read your Bible I think this is important and may go with "Love God" but anyways.


We may not know whether or not God is telling us to take that job promotion or change our major or move somewhere else to do mission work. But right now, we can be doing all these things and trust that God will open up our minds for even more clarity in his plan for us. If I constantly keep worrying about whether or not God wants me to do something, most likely I am not focusing on the other things and am blinded by what God wants me to do right now.

The other day I was walking to class and I saw this lady come out of Walgreens and she was crying as she entered her car. I did not know this person or why she was crying, but I continued to walk to class. It wasn't until I got to class that I realized what I could do for her. Simply pray for her. So I did, see I was probably too distracted at first with my own schedule and my own list of things to do, that I did not hear the Spirit tell me to pray for her. I will most likely not see her again, and if I did I would not know she was the same person, but God is big and maybe just maybe my prayer can be used for the kingdom. You see that day, maybe my purpose in that instance was to be there to see her and pray for her, I'll never know but God tells us to intercede for others so it is most likely good that I prayed.


The second excuse is another one that I personally use too often. But after thinking about this I learned that our hearts will hardly ever be the right place completely. We are all human and as such our motives will be faulty and wrongly placed.

Also, if we still keep being obedient to God's work serve Him regardless of our motives then I believe God will still use it for his kingdom. In addition to your work still being used for the kingdom, God will reward you for your service and eventually he can work in your heart and make it more pure. I firmly believe God can change our hearts and believe he has already. So in other words when it comes to serving God, we need to just do it. Our hearts don't have to be in the right place necessarily to bring the kingdom of God.

God's Love

Today God reminded me how much he loves me. It wasn't from anything anybody told me today or even something from prayer. God just moved into my heart.

I was sitting there in church thinking about how I could reach out to my friends that do not yet know of God's love. This was spurred by the many confessions of Joe Boyd had for the church. It just really got to me that as a church we don't go out of our way often to reach others and touch their lives with the love of Christ. Yes you can say by loving them we earn the right to be heard, to eventually speak to them about Jesus. But I feel like this is just used too much as an excuse to not be bold enough with proclaiming the gospel by to many people including myself. But this is not really why I am writing this post, this is just the means of how I was touched by the Spirit of the living God today.

So I was thinking about how I would improve my boldness and what I could say to the people in my life that don't yet know about Jesus. And God just very plainly said "You know how much I love you and love them, so just tell them. " I then tried to wrap my very diminutive mind around the love of God and I just could not handle it.

My mouth got dry, my heart raced and I just felt this overwhelming embrace. And then I started to weep. Right there, during the middle of service. In fact, right now as I am reflecting on this, I can barely hold back the tears.

Now, if you know me you know I don't cry often at all. I can probably count on my hand the number of times I have cried. But I had no control over this.

This was an important thing that happened to me today. Simply because I have felt for a long time that I have been seeking the Lord and have not really heard Him or felt Him really move into my heart. In no way am I blaming Him for this. I most likely have not been looking in the right places or listening to Him. I try to learn more of Jesus and read about Him but nothing comes close to feeling simple, yet complex, immeasurable way that our God loves us.

If I could only put into words.

more 6

So Ed tagged me as well so here are 6 more

1. I still tend to not step on cracks on the sidewalk.

2. Shohn Johnson and I buried a time capsule when we were 9 out of a Pringles can and buried it somewhere in my front yard.

3. Whenever I see a series of numbers in an address or phone number I try and look for a formula or pattern that fits it. For example my address is 2077 so : 2 X 0 +7 = 7, so it works in this respect. Yea I'm a dork for this, but I have done it since I was a kid and can't help it anymore. Nor do I care.

4. I still enjoy cartoons quite a bit.

5. I have a recurring dream of the witch from Wizard of Oz coming to my room and taking me away along with some of my childhood friends.

6. I constantly wish I loved Christ more and more.

I tag
Ed Buehler

Tag! I'm it?

So Darren tagged me, I will try and put things on here that most people don't already know about me.

1. Whenever I have a song stuck in my head, I sing the song "Chumbawamba- I get knocked down" in my head. This usually remedies the other song being stuck. For some reason this song never gets stuck in my head.

2. I always imagine what places would have looked like 100 or 200 years ago as I am driving through towns and such.

3. I always try and imagine what it is like to experience life as other people. I always thought it would be interesting to see the world through others' eyes. When I see strangers I am intrigued to know what it is like to be them.

4. I do not like the number 4. I have so ever since I learned my numbers as a little tyke. Some of you had heard my thoughts on this. To much to list here. The main reason is that I feel it is a poorly designed numerical symbol.

5. If I see disturbing images, it usually stays in my head for quite some time up to months sometimes. Not that I want this to happen, I generally have little control over this, although I can control my dreams....

6. My mind wanders a lot if I do not have something to focus on. For this reason I generally hate being alone with no work to do.

So there you go, some minuscule things about me and some stuff I need to deal with.
Anyways,

James Bonar,
Matthew Feldhues,
Robert William Lilie (aka Bob the guitar guy)
Morgan Berry,
Leah Blanton,
Kyle Crofford,

Consider yourself tagged! Not really a big deal. Post 6 random things about yourself on either your blog, my blog, or facebook or whatever means you feel like doing so.

thoughts

So after I have done this prayer thing in the morning, which I admit I was not always consistent in the times I did it, I still have a few things I realized.

First, I realized if I spend time asking God to change my heart to put Him and his will on my mind throughout the day, He will.

When I pray for other people more often, I have learned that I generally care more and more about them. I become more intentional and love them more. This has been mostly the product of our Oak Hills prayer list and from just attempting to pray for our leadership. But also this extends to the people I pray for outside of anything like that. Such as random prayer requests people send my way and my prayers for my family.

I generally seem to have more peace and feel better when crappy things are dished my way. Such as when I found out I did not do so good after an exam.

The most significant thing I learned though, is that I still do not love the Lord as I should. I do not consistently think about him and treasure time with Him like I should. Why should I want to do anything besides spending time with my creator, father, and source of my salvation, and the one who loves me more than anyone?

Today, I was spending time in prayer and at the time I did not have access to my Bible. But I imagined opened it up. The first thing that came to my mind was the treasures in Heaven. I don't think this was an accident. How much do I really put worth into my relationship in Christ? How often do I still not trust God to provide me with what I need? Why am I not just letting God take over everything? I really agree with Darren on his post about "Just being" I think we all should attempt to let God really take hold of our lives.

Journey back

So after class today I was thinking how it sucks that I feel like no matter how much I study for classes, I always feel behind. I feel like I can never keep up. And even in class I can't grasp every detail in the lecture. Then I thought about the fact that I haven't spend much time with Christ lately. I feel like I have used school and everything else going on in my life as an excuse sub-conscientiously. This is dumb because I know it is a poor excuse. But when you can use up all your time just to seemingly stay at pace in school only to realize that you are not, it drains you pretty quickly.

The fact that I have not blogged this month very much is only another testament to myself that I have not spent time with Him. This blog of mine is for me to journal my thoughts and record what God is telling me and teaching me. When I am not spending time with Him, it is a little difficult to blog about what He is teaching me, surprise right?

Anyways, this is what I think I need to do, for whatever its worth, to stay consistent in Him. I am going to intentionally set a good part of every morning to spend 30 minutes in prayer and to read as long as it takes for God to speak to me through it. Feel free to keep me accountable is thing. I did this for a while back when Kolia suggested to read scripture for an hour. But I feel like I need to spend at least 30 minutes talking to God and just to be in silence with Him.

God is gracious and God is good and I think what He is telling me is that if I give Him time and spend time with Him, he will make the time I spend in the books and in school more efficient. If I focus on Him, He will provide and he will take care of me. Let me reiterate, Please if you feel like you are willing to hold me accountable on this, then by all means do so. For me all it might take is "So, you haven't blogged in awhile, Derek..." That would be sufficient to remind me.

Lord take hold of my spirit, Holy Spirit make my will one with you, Lord.

consistency

So I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay consistent in reading scripture it seems for very long. I have been really stressed about school and have been putting aside my Bible for the most part due to school work and really the other things I do to reduce stress. What I mean is that I do other things like what T.V. or whatever to reduce the stress and get my mind of it, but I haven't gone to Christ all that much.

But I feel like this is new to me because actually I usually do go to Christ when I am in need. It worries me that I have not done this much recently. It could be that I just am running from the Lord right now and trying to do things on my own. It could be that I am not trusting in Him. It could also be that I am being tested. But I believe it is all due to the condition of the heart.

What is it that I feel is more important than Christ? Why do I constantly look for other things to put in my life? Do I not believe that all I need is Christ? I know this well, but my life and my habits do not show it very well. I must change, but I can not do it alone.

I need Him do take over my mind and to completely consume my heart in this. I feel like I am not close to God right now and it is stupid because I know that I have let dumb things like school get in the way. I need to focus on Him and let Him take of it.

For right now, I am not sure exactly how to fix this, but one thing I will be doing is to intentionally pursue Him and his love. This is where it starts. My heart needs to change.

Take my Heart and renew it Lord. Consume me, and help me to fully accept your grace. Help me to look at your love as a gift and to not take it lightly. I am nothing, you are everything.

its been awhile

So I don't know exactly when this happened but after I have stopped praying consistently early in the morning, I feel like I have not felt close to God. Doing the early morning thing with Jesus was great and I am not sure what initiated this to stop. My time with Christ was rich and I felt like the Holy Spirit was really working in me.

Now, I feel like I have not had Christ in my mind nearly as much as it was while I was doing this. My heart needs to be changed. Also, I can see myself doing things that I should not be doing, like getting short-tempered with my parents. I feel like I am not doing good right now and I want to be rich in Christ again. I want him to all of my thoughts to consume me and my intentions. Also, as a result of this, I want to be able to help others and encourage others to see Christ more clearly.

The Holy Spirit is in us all, I just need to let it work more in my life and stop relying so much on myself. Christ is the only thing that I need, yet why am I so inclined to fill my life with this other stuff or in place of Him? One of my worst fears is that I will not be able to hear the Holy Spirit in the times I need Christ the most. But, then again, I don't believe God will let this happen. As I said before, I need God to change my heart in everything I do so that I am doing everything for Him.

Hearing vs. Loving God

So after the poll I took on loving vs hearing God, its fairly obvious most of you feel that hearing God is harder than loving God. I am still learning how to do both of these things. Loving God can be hard due to not seeing Him. I feel like it can also be hard if it is also to hear Him. But we get to know Him and consequently love and hear Him through scripture. I am still learning what it means to do both and finding new ways to love Him and ways to get myself to replace noise with hearing His voice.

But after really thinking about it, I think they go hand-in-hand. How do I love God if I am not spending time with Him and listening to Him. It is like hearing about somebody who did great things, and you might be in very much respect for that person. For me, I have also had a great deal of respect for Tecumseh, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Mother Theresa. All of these people thought more than just about themselves. And it is easy for people to see what they did and generate a great deal of respect for people such as these. But God is MUCH greater than that.

God not only deserves our respect and awe but Love. He is our father, our brother, and even our lover. When we spend time in prayer, do we give him time to speak back? Do we just rant and demand that he fixes things or do we really allow him to work in our heart and soul and mind. To the point where he has consumed us. This is how we love God I think. We ask God to help us to love him. We need his help to love him, to change our heart from our earthly desires to heavenly desires. Unless we (myself included) can come to the point where we let God speak to us in the Word and in times of prayer, what is the point?

I am still learning how to hear God and truly understand what he is saying to me. But this is what I have found out so far. He speaks in a whisper. We need to let go of the noise and distraction. Maybe drive to work without the radio. Or instead of watching that 30 min episode of T.V. spending time just in silence. I am guilty of letting myself being distracted by my computer, or phone or t.v. all too often. One thing I started doing is attempting to not get on my computer all weekend. I have realized that this is actually easier than I initially thought. When I get on the computer I just find more stuff to do which can be done during the week. Another thing I have found is that if I let Him, he will speak to me as I try and figure things out. This usually happens when I am writing a post or writing out a campaigner lesson. God helps me organize my thoughts when I am intentional and let Him do so. Another thing is that God speaks to me in a way that is usually subtle but is not routine, it is rather in a seemingly random thought. This thought is not random, it is God. I feel that I hear God the most when I let go of my personal desires and firmly focus on the image on Christ and what he has done for me. One important thing is that we must realize that we can not hear Him unless we know what his voice sounds like. By letting go of what is going on in my life and focusing on his character and his perfect love and will, I can hear him better. In fact this maybe the only way to truly know that it is Him that is speaking and not ourselves.

As a final note, however, I know that by loving Him, it is easier to hear him. I feel this way because if you don't love him then how are you to be able to even care if God is speaking? Praying that God will change your heart to love him more and be in tune with his will is probably the best and maybe the only thing that we can do other than really making a point to spend time and love Him more.

prideful heart

Then what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is the one about whom it is written:
" 'I will send my messenger ahead of you,
who will prepare your way before you.' I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. - Matthew 11:9-12 (NIV)

This passage can be confusing at first, but this is an excerpt from a commentary:

"Because such greatness is not dependent on us but on the roles God has assigned us, we must do his will humbly, seeking his honor alone. The least in the kingdom is greater than John in the sense that anyone in the kingdom has a fuller message than those who spoke beforehand. In another sense of the phrase, the least in the kingdom may also be the greatest in the kingdom, because God will evaluate us according to our faithfulness in deferring all honor to him rather than to ourselves (18:1-4)." IVP New Testament Commentary

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and recently came across this piece of scripture. I feel sometimes that I seek to be a "righteous" man for my own sake. Like for instance, usually if we pray as a leadership I don't want to say anything out loud. This is because I don't want to say anything just to say something. I would not want to just pray for the reason that other people hear me. The Holy Spirit should be the only way and reason that I am praying. Which is why I consistently ask God to make me less and Jesus more. If I allowed more of Jesus to come through me and make him more evident and me less, I would not be as prideful or seek my personal interests. I would be more in sync with the Holy Spirit and thus, the will of God.

Like in this passage, I must come to a place where I no longer am seeking righteousness for my advancement or to change me, but for the kingdom of God to be changed. I must seek his honor and his only. There should be no motive in our hearts to satisfy others more than our motive to fulfill God's mission and to bring his kingdom. The last sentence in the excerpt above is really humbling. To know that God will evaluate us according to how we give honor. Do we give it to God alone, or do we still try and seek our own honor?

Holy Spirit

So lately I've been wondering what exactly is the Holy Spirit and what does it mean for me. There are plenty of verses that have "Holy Spirit" in them but here are a few:

John 14:25-27 (New International Version) 25"All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 16:12-16 (New International Version)
"I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. 13But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. 15All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you.

16"In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me."

Hebrews 10:14-16 (New International Version)
because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. 15The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says: 16"This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds."

The Holy Spirit is how we continue to give God glory. Yet He is still God. I find it interesting that it says "He" in these verses and many more. It is important to note that the Holy Spirit is still God just as Jesus is God. They are different expressions. The Holy Spirit isnt just a thing, or a force. He is a person just like Jesus or the Father. This has always been difficult for me to understand but I think what all this means is that God is a team but is still one.
The Holy Spirit brings us to glorify Jesus and makes Him known to us-
Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit. -Corinthians 12:3

And Jesus brings glorify the Father-
Then Jesus cried out, "When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. -John 12:44

And by looking at these two verses you see can see something else. The Father sends the Holy Spirit and Jesus on his behalf. You see it is a perfect relationship. They each are God, Jesus said all authority was given to him. But as I said before the Holy Spirit is not just a thing. He loves us. He prays for us. He speaks to us. He has a will (just like God, because well he is God). And the scriptures refer to the Spirit as a person.

This is really cool to me because I can ask the Holy spirit for things and he will answer just as I would pray to God. Another thing to remember is that the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit is still ONE. We have one God in three forms that serve 3 functions. God has one will and one plan. He sends the Spirit to give us understanding and to reveal God to us. I think I need to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit if I want to see God better and to hear him. Also, I believe it is important to have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, just like we have a relationship with Jesus and the Father. But at the same time, we already do, because they are one in the same. Tough to grasp isn't it? Anyways, I am still learning what this means but I can definitely tell that the Holy Spirit is changing me and revealing things to me that I haven't seen before.

Welp, more on this later... to much for one post.

suffering for Christ

Clyde: yeah, i don't know... so the question is do you think jesus thought he had enemies
10:36 AM me: i think he knew he did
10:40 AM Clyde: i think jesus only reconized one ememy in satan.... everyone else was either someone who needed his love and grace more an more or satan was working through them to get at jesus
me: yea i could see that
10:41 AM i mean he really had power over everything
so his enemies only could do what he allowed them to do
i think that relates to us
10:42 AM Clyde: yeah i agree with that
me: which can be hard to understand when you consider people who are being persecuted daily for worshiping God
10:43 AM I mean I don't understand that
But people only stay in authority if it is in God's will
10:44 AM he might let crap happen but eventually they get what they deserve
10:45 AM Clyde: yeah, so i was reading Philippians today and this verse stuck out to me phil 1:29-30
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, 30since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.
10:46 AM and i have been trying to figure out how i truly suffer for christ... and does this verse mean that you are a believer because you suffer or your beliefs bring suffering
me: 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3
Clyde: yeah, thats like one of my favorite verses
10:47 AM what trials do i face though... accept from me in times when my faith is lacking
10:48 AM me: well..
i dunno man you'll have to see that for yourself
10:49 AM Clyde: ha yeah, guess i will
10:50 AM me: suffering will come, we live in a broken world
Also, when you are in a time that your faith is lacking, that is a trial.
10:51 AM It shows the character of a person when you see how they act during times of lacking faith
If you continue to seek him you shall see a reward.
10:52 AM which is you will find him
thats what i think
10:53 AM Clyde: yeah, that is what me and kolia talked about last week, that it sucks but its also exciting to see that reward and to know that god will keep his promises to us
10:54 AM me: not everybody will have really tough trials, which sometimes I wonder if the reason I am not in a place where Christianity is illegal is because he did not trust me to be in that positon
10:55 AM Clyde: yeah, i have thought that to myself too, and god knows what we can handle and he won't push us past that until we are ready
10:57 AM me: yea definitely
11:01 AM my sister used to always tell me and encourage me that God would never give me more than I could handle.
11:02 AM not that she doesnt now..
11:05 AM 3Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. james 5:13-16
11:06 AM it is important to remember while you are not suffering, that you aren't doing anything wrong
We can remember and support those who are
11:07 AM as well as continuing in worship and praise
i think this is something i need to remember as i forget often
Clyde: yeah i agree
11:08 AM 1 cor 10:13
13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
me: yep yep
that one is pretty clear
11:18 AM Clyde: ha yeah, i like that verse, but i can never remember what it is :)
i need to work on that
11:19 AM me: yea i really wish i knew scripture well
Clyde: yeah me too
11:20 AM the verse i worked on today is phil 1:21
for to live is christ and to dies is gain.
hahah die
11:23 AM me: that is shohn's fav verse
he is going to have my sister paint it on his motorcycle

Seeing Jesus in many dimensions

So I am constantly reminded of my spiritual immaturity and that have still have a lot of "unplowed ground". This is only one example, I am going through Matthew right now and it has been great. Here is one thing that I believe God has revealed to me.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:13-14 (NIV)

Previously, I have seen this passage and only seen Jesus as saying this in a narrow, almost aloof way as if "Its just too bad" but this is far from what I think Jesus is feeling while saying this. Yes, I know that Jesus is very frank sometimes and that he wants to get the truth out there so people are aware of the harsh realities of our destination. I also believe that Jesus has come not for just peace and rescue but to change the world

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34 (NIV)

You can take what you think about this verse, but I feel like its pretty straight-forward. Jesus came and people had to make a decision. Those that choose him would not be condemned. "Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned." Mark 16:16 (NIV) I think these verses go hand-in-hand. This is why I believe it is important to see Jesus and God in more than one "dimension". I feel like Jesus is bringing a sharp path and is very clear about what he demands.

The reason I am writing this is because I feel like I fail to remember sometimes that Jesus' heart aches for us to chose Him and follow Him. He anxiously is waiting to accept him and enter a relationship with him. It hurts him that only a few will choose his path. As he says that "few will enter" it cuts him deep. He desires that we would want to spend time with Him. This relates to the whole "bride-groom" image of Jesus I believe. But I also think it is just the character of God. Jesus came to Earth for one purpose. He loved us enough to die for us and to take on all our sins past, present, future. He did this so we would have the ability to enter His kingdom and to enter into His fellowship. We have been given the privilege to work for His kingdom and glory.

So as I read scripture I will try and do a better job of remembering this. Jesus is both bringing a sword but also a message of the greatest Love story ever. Ever.

Meek and Bold

Meek:
1. enduring injury with patience and without resentment(mild)
2. deficient in spirit and courage (submissive)

from Webster's online Dictionary, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary
Bold:
1. without fear
2. confident, assured
3. adventurous, free


from Webster's online Dictionary, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

God is teaching me how these two are related and not opposites.

To me, I have in the past struggled with being meek. I seem to get defensive fairly easy when people take me out of context or try and manipulate what I say about my faith. Also I get very angry when people think that I should be perfect because I am a Christian. Meek seems hard for a Christian, I mean how am I supposed to go after people for Christ and still be meek. Doesn't it seem to you that meek can sound as if we give up? If we are supposed to be submissive, then how are we supposed to also be bold.
"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5 (NIV)
"Boldly and without hindrance he preached the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ." Acts 28:31 (NIV)

But I don't think this means that we should let things get in the way. It just means that let God worry about things and do not fear others.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31 (NIV)

I think God is saying through Paul and Jesus that we should submit ourselves to the Holy Spirit and submit to the will of the LORD. But we should also take courage in the fact that we have nothing to fear.

In the past I think I might have had the wrong image of "bold" and "meek". Being bold isn't being forceful and without tact. Being meek is not having a submissive look on other people's views. We can not be silent, Jesus is pretty clear on that I think. NO, now I see being bold just literally as the dictionary says. Without fear. Meek I see differently now too. I think he is saying that we must be submissive to the spirit. Submissive. Let God do what he wants in your life, after all he made us. I think he would know what is best.

Another note, as I read through Kolia's email he pointed out,"When we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are slandered, we try to conciliate (console)." Taken from 1 Cor. 4:9-13. This was very helpful for me. This relates to being meek very well. It also relates to what I have been thinking a lot about lately with enemies. People can do what they want to us, it doesn't change the fact that we are called to love them. We need to look at our enemies in this way.

Also, it is important to remember that the only reason we have enemies is because the Devil is afraid of us and is trying his best to stop what God is doing through us in different ministries. I have always taken this as encouragement because it reminds me what I am doing is for the right side and what I am doing is changing things. Don't you enjoy making it harder for the Devil to tear you down?

scary prayer

I am going to ask for you all to pray for me as I go through this, because today I prayed a scary prayer. In my experience, God generally grants people the opportunity to learn whatever it is that they ask God to teach them, so I would love your support in this prayer I made today. Anyways- So I try to let the spirit speak through me in prayer, and this morning as I was spending time with the lord I came across this passage :

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45.

Then I thought, "Who are my enemies? Do I have any real enemies besides Satan making it hard for me to do ministry or other things?" I am not really sure that I do. We all have people that get on our nerves from time to time. I think this is normal, due to personality differences we will not be fully able to get along with everybody. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you can not love everyone. I just think there are always people in our lives that we bang heads against, not so literally sometimes and other times quite literally. And other times, opposites do attract like that dumb sitcom "Dharma and Greg". Or my co-leader and one of her good friends who disagree on much of everything other than the fact they believe in Jesus.

What I am trying to say (without rambling) is that there are people who we don't get along with, but these people are different from enemies. Webster defines enemy like this:
1. One that is antagonistic to another; especially one seeking to injure, overthrow, or confound an opponent
2. Something harmful or deadly
I guess the point could be made that anyone you don't get along with can be considered "antagonistic". But I don't think that is all what Jesus is saying here. He says "pray for those who persecute you". I don't know of anybody right now that is persecuting me. Well as I am writing this I just had another thought- since we all belong to the body of Christ, isn't anyone that persecutes a fellow believer or the church as a whole an enemy? Yea, I know this. But still I guess when I was in prayer and while I read this passage this morning I was pondering over personal enemies. In high school there were many times people made fun of Christians and would make it a point to give believers a hard time. This was done far too easily as questions such as "If there is a God why would he allow [insert catastrophe here] happen?" And these questions were all to given to kids who believed in Christ but were still immature spiritually, they were only kids. I remember a time when we were in some computer class and one of guys thought it would be funny to make fun of the teacher, who was openly a Christian, by playing Christian music via Internet radio and mocking it.

Additionally, I had a manager for a long time who was very atheistic. (Yes atheistic, because a true atheist is a scholar in religion and has studied most all of them and has come to the conclusion through research that there can not be a God. This was not his case) He would make remarks, although always in a light-hearted way, to the me and others who were Christians and would always try and prove atheism was correct. Well, it turned out that this actually helped me and others as we questioned our faith and put research into it. Anyways, I did not really take it that harshly and would always end the conversation in "well it doesn't change the fact that I am praying that God will reveal himself to you and that you will see what it is to have a relationship with him." He would always laugh it off, but I meant that. I did pray for him, consistently. And you know what, he is now involved in a church with one of the other guys I used to work with and told me he is a believer now. Wow, I think I am getting a little off track... Anyways, I don't really know that right now I have enemies.

So you are probably wondering why the title of this post is "scary prayer" by now. Well I could not think of any personal enemies who are persecuting me. And I couldn't think of anybody besides Satan holding me back from my ministry. So I prayed-you ready for this?-that God will put enemies in my front, so that I can pray for them and so I could be challenged. I feel that maybe I have become to comfortable in my faith and I have taken it too casually. I am not looking at my faith in Christ as something that is urgent which is what I should do. I have almost become numb to any hindrances in growing in my faith.

Currently, the only thing holding me back in my faith is me. I do this by not giving him enough time or submitting everything in my life to him. I am trying to learn what it means to offer everything I do as an act of worship to God. Such as my work, or exercising or driving. Anyways, I am personally responsible for not letting God work in my life. Which is why I prayed for "enemies" to come into my life. I want to relearn what it is like to have to rely on God. Do you ever feel like you are not completely relying on God in everything? For instance- God is the reason I made it to work today. He gave me this day, am I truly grateful, are we truly grateful? Or do we just take for granted the things he puts in our lives?


(By the way, Kudos if you actually read this post in its entirety. Sorry for its monstrousity...)

Random Encounter

So recently I was reminded of “what I failed to do” in high school. In high school I worked at one place for about 2 ½ years. I was also very involve in Young Life in high school and tried to get my friends and people around me to come around. I also tried to be open about my faith and share what I believed and my relationship with Christ to other people. Well, there was this one guy I worked with that seemed interested in Young Life and in Jesus in general. We talked about God every now and then, but I never really talked to him one on one and discussed the gospel and what Jesus did for us and asked him what his response was the message of the gospel. Then I quit McD’s and never really saw this kid again.

Then I went back home recently and I saw this guy. I try not to judge people by their appearance, but I noticed his eyes were bloodshot and had other signs that he might not be doing well. Still I figured he could just be sick or had worked a long day. Then I started to talk to him, asking him questions like “What are you doing these days?” and “Where are you working?” These were simple small talk questions that one uses to start a conversation, right? Well, he did not hesitate to tell me that he has just been “smoking-out”. He also told me about his kid that he has, which he does care about very much. The mother apparently is not fit to take care of this child so he is working somewhere trying to support him and his daughter all at the age of 20. He is doing this all while still paying for his habit of weed. I am not one to judge ones actions, for God alone has this power. In fact I would not care enough to blog about it if it were just the fact that he had a kid. I mean we all make mistakes in our life, it’s the fact that he doesn’t know what he is doing and still continuing in a habit. There is nobody in his life to tell him what he is doing is not the most responsible thing with a kid. I mean I know a lot of people who had kids really young and yes this is not the best thing to do out of marriage or when you are young. It just seems like he is not in the greatest place and I wish I had remained in his life and was close enough to him that I could have the right to be heard. Anyways I didn’t really know what to say to him I just said that it was really exciting that he has a kid b/c he does seem to care about her, which is awesome. Anyways this kid seemed to miss my radar while I was in high school. I know that it is not my fault for where he currently is b/c it is not up to me for his salvation, God will take care of that. I just felt like I could have a few things a lot better back then, like being more intentional with spreading the gospel and remaining in contact with people. For the most part I feel like I am still not that good at this and wish I was better at it. I know God loves me, why can’t I tell others that? Why am I not screaming at the top of my lungs how great it is to know God loves me and to belong to him?

Good Convo about God's reality in my life

me: And about the God stuff, i feel the same way about certain things in my relationship with Christ. I feel alot of times that I hit a wall and can't get past it to grow any deeper.
for me I believe it is because I don't know how to love god as much as I should
12:14 PM someone: yeah i am with you on that
12:15 PM me: It seems that I can not let myself love him because I hold on to too much here on earth.
12:16 PM I pray that God will make the things invest here less important and that I become dependent on the spirit and less dependent on anything else not from the spirit.
someone: yeah, exactly, and for me the things i find myself holding too are things that i don't even want, but i can't let it go
me: yep, i know what you mean
12:17 PM another thing for me is that there is too much "noise" at my house, not to make excuses but I feel like I need to get away
12:18 PM someone: yeah, i feel the same... not just bout my house, but bout my life in general.. but i'm scared to get away cuz... honestly i think i'm scared of being in the presence of God
12:19 PM me: Yea, i dunno what he would say to me
12:20 PM I have caught a glimpse of his presence in the past and it was very different to my image of God before
I was worshipping somewhere and I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be in front of God.
12:21 PM Before I always thought it was like a king on a throne, but I asked God to be in my presence..
12:22 PM Then I had this image, well more of a feeling like God was not just my king, but someone who just wanted to hold and embrace me
then I got this sensation and it changed my perspective on God in my life to someone who is my best friend and someone who cares infinitely for me..
12:23 PM It was pretty much awesome
12:26 PM someone: dude that is awesome... i dont' remember the last time i really embraced god's presence like tat
that
me : i don't really think i told anyone that before
12:27 PM someone: wow, thank you for sharing that with me
me: i had to test and see if it was real or if it was my imagination and i dunno never really felt like sharing before.
12:28 PM Yea there are some weird things in my past and testimony that I don't even understand yet
12:29 PM someone: yeah, i feel like the more i grow and the more i look back through my testimony, the more i realize things differently or see how that made a bigger impact than i thought
12:31 PM me: also, i think I am less evident of my growth. I am realizing it takes other people looking in to see if I am growing. I tend to focus on things I suck at and not focus on holiness and awe of God
12:32 PM someone: yep, if beating yourself up was a sport, i would be a pro for sure, I can't get past my self sometimes to be focused on God
12:33 PM me: yea doesnt it suck to be good at the wrong things
12:34 PM someone: yeah it sucks really bad
me: yep yep
12:40 PM i feel like I have another blog post coming after this discussion

Purpose in Work

So I have been thinking about this a lot and actually did a campaigners lesson on purpose in work life. I was thinking one day when I was at my job. ”How is working as an engineer supposed to bring glory to God’s kingdom?” I have heard many people in my life tell me that you can spread God’s word no matter where you are and it doesn’t matter what you do that there is a need for a missionary in all areas of the world. But still I keep coming back to the thought that maybe I was meant for more and that I could be doing more effective work for the Lord. Also, I felt that if it was nothing and that it really wasn’t anything, then I would not have this strong of a feeling about it. I actually wrote my thoughts about this stuff down and left it in the old desk I used to work at.
At my plant and I’m sure at other plants as well, there is a very definite mission field with the people there. It was very obvious that the things that I love and enjoy were very different from the guys’ that I hung out with. I know I can make a difference just by loving these guys unconditionally while setting apart my behavior and attitude from theirs. Now don’t take me wrong I am not judging them, I think these guys are great, but they just have very different morals and beliefs.
So I am coming to the conclusion that is okay that I am working as an engineer and chose this career path. What I found also is that God made us to work and it should be a privilege to us. Also, whatever I do I should find a purpose in it and do it for Him not for anything else. And God can be glorified in anything if you offer it to him and seek him in the ethical and social decisions you make in the workplace. Another thing is I realized is that just because I feel like this is not doing enough, doesn’t mean that God is not pleased with what I am doing. There are many other things I discovered about this particular subject but they are written on a piece of paper in my car and it is like 19 degrees outside. So this may sound like I am rambling but this was something that I thought about for a long time and I hope that this helps anybody else who maybe had the same type of thoughts.

Passion

Why is it that I have more passion sometimes for completely useless, worldly things than increasing my relationship with the only person who will always be there and love me no matter what? This pisses me off. I don’t know why this is and I don’t really know where even to begin really to fix this. It seems that I have passion for some things for a period of time. I really have a passion for Young Life and what I do there. But sometimes it feels like my passion for Christ isn’t what it is supposed to be. This probably is the result of not persistently seeking Christ or offering my life and myself completely to him.

Passion is something you need to be successful in anything in life. Realizing this, I think it is important to remedy my lack of passion. Recently I have tried to be more persistent in my quiet times and prayer, but maybe I am just taking advantage of him and not pursuing him as if he is the one true love in my life. He is the only one that will matter in the end. It won’t really matter what I did or what I spent my time with in my life. What will really matter is how I continued to pursue Christ in my life and doing everything in my life for him and offering every decision I make to him.

I think the only way to help my situation is continue to seek and just be reminded of his love for me and love him with everything I do.

Consistency

Recently I have noticed that instead of consistently finding new ways to further God’s kingdom or seek his will I often consistently find new ways to screw up and disappoint myself. I just wish sometimes that I could continually keep doing better and not take steps back. I mean I know nobody is perfect, but at times I feel like I am just not consistently putting God before everything else like I should be. I just want people to be able to see Christ through me and to see less of me, and my faults, I want people to actually believe that following Christ is real and not just a show. I also want to be more consistent with sharing Christ to other people around me, I mean I am confident I get plenty of opportunities to do the simplest things for people and I just let it go by, consistently. I don’t even think it has to be anything big. But here’s another thing, why do I not boldly go after people and take the time to share the gospel. I realize this more and more. It is probably due to the fact we like to tell ourselves that loving other people is enough. Not to downplay the importance or the effect of doing this, but I worry a time will come to me where this will not have been enough and it will have been too late. And the chance to share Christ with that person will be passed up and gone. I would love comments on this and discussion and see what the readers of this post think.