Could use some prayer

Just as a disclaimer: this post is not fun for me and may sound like whining. But I didn't intentionally do it that way.

Lately, I feel like God must be just trying to grab my attention. I feel this way because not much in my life right now is going very well at all. Its like everything I have tried to do, even when I do take it to God, it just fails miserably and I have had no success in it. There must be a good reason all this crap is happening to me and maybe I am learning something. But right now all I can think of is the negative crap, which is not good at all. If God is trying to tell me something, he must be also testing to see what kind of patience I can endure. Frankly I am bitter to God right now, because like I said I have brought things to Him and I still can't see or hear what plans he has or why I am still struggling through it. Everything is in His time, and if it is in His will it will be done. But I would just like some answers.

Also, I know that most of things that relate to my ministry and its success have nothing to do with what I do really. God will work in the time and ways He wants to. As long as I am faithful to it, he will reward that. And it is not about me, it is about Him. I know these things-but I can't convince my sub-conscience that it isn't my fault the ministry is struggling. That it isn't my fault our numbers are way below what they were when I even first started leading. It just is always on my mind. And this goes with pretty much everything else in my life-if stuff isn't going well and I know that it isn't my fault, I still think to myself that there was something I did that was wrong. I struggle with this. It is not that I don't believe that God is in control or don't have faith that God will let be what is to be. It is that I doubt myself way too much.

God please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me. Grant me patience. Grant me peace of mind that everything is in your plan and I don't have the power to change it. Holy Spirit guide me and rescue me from my despairs. I love you Jesus.