Journey back

So after class today I was thinking how it sucks that I feel like no matter how much I study for classes, I always feel behind. I feel like I can never keep up. And even in class I can't grasp every detail in the lecture. Then I thought about the fact that I haven't spend much time with Christ lately. I feel like I have used school and everything else going on in my life as an excuse sub-conscientiously. This is dumb because I know it is a poor excuse. But when you can use up all your time just to seemingly stay at pace in school only to realize that you are not, it drains you pretty quickly.

The fact that I have not blogged this month very much is only another testament to myself that I have not spent time with Him. This blog of mine is for me to journal my thoughts and record what God is telling me and teaching me. When I am not spending time with Him, it is a little difficult to blog about what He is teaching me, surprise right?

Anyways, this is what I think I need to do, for whatever its worth, to stay consistent in Him. I am going to intentionally set a good part of every morning to spend 30 minutes in prayer and to read as long as it takes for God to speak to me through it. Feel free to keep me accountable is thing. I did this for a while back when Kolia suggested to read scripture for an hour. But I feel like I need to spend at least 30 minutes talking to God and just to be in silence with Him.

God is gracious and God is good and I think what He is telling me is that if I give Him time and spend time with Him, he will make the time I spend in the books and in school more efficient. If I focus on Him, He will provide and he will take care of me. Let me reiterate, Please if you feel like you are willing to hold me accountable on this, then by all means do so. For me all it might take is "So, you haven't blogged in awhile, Derek..." That would be sufficient to remind me.

Lord take hold of my spirit, Holy Spirit make my will one with you, Lord.

consistency

So I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay consistent in reading scripture it seems for very long. I have been really stressed about school and have been putting aside my Bible for the most part due to school work and really the other things I do to reduce stress. What I mean is that I do other things like what T.V. or whatever to reduce the stress and get my mind of it, but I haven't gone to Christ all that much.

But I feel like this is new to me because actually I usually do go to Christ when I am in need. It worries me that I have not done this much recently. It could be that I just am running from the Lord right now and trying to do things on my own. It could be that I am not trusting in Him. It could also be that I am being tested. But I believe it is all due to the condition of the heart.

What is it that I feel is more important than Christ? Why do I constantly look for other things to put in my life? Do I not believe that all I need is Christ? I know this well, but my life and my habits do not show it very well. I must change, but I can not do it alone.

I need Him do take over my mind and to completely consume my heart in this. I feel like I am not close to God right now and it is stupid because I know that I have let dumb things like school get in the way. I need to focus on Him and let Him take of it.

For right now, I am not sure exactly how to fix this, but one thing I will be doing is to intentionally pursue Him and his love. This is where it starts. My heart needs to change.

Take my Heart and renew it Lord. Consume me, and help me to fully accept your grace. Help me to look at your love as a gift and to not take it lightly. I am nothing, you are everything.

its been awhile

So I don't know exactly when this happened but after I have stopped praying consistently early in the morning, I feel like I have not felt close to God. Doing the early morning thing with Jesus was great and I am not sure what initiated this to stop. My time with Christ was rich and I felt like the Holy Spirit was really working in me.

Now, I feel like I have not had Christ in my mind nearly as much as it was while I was doing this. My heart needs to be changed. Also, I can see myself doing things that I should not be doing, like getting short-tempered with my parents. I feel like I am not doing good right now and I want to be rich in Christ again. I want him to all of my thoughts to consume me and my intentions. Also, as a result of this, I want to be able to help others and encourage others to see Christ more clearly.

The Holy Spirit is in us all, I just need to let it work more in my life and stop relying so much on myself. Christ is the only thing that I need, yet why am I so inclined to fill my life with this other stuff or in place of Him? One of my worst fears is that I will not be able to hear the Holy Spirit in the times I need Christ the most. But, then again, I don't believe God will let this happen. As I said before, I need God to change my heart in everything I do so that I am doing everything for Him.