Sister

My sister is just awesome. I don't know who I would be without her in my life. When everyone thinks of what a big sister should be like, there is no doubt that Myra Denise Johnson should be what they should see. Dave Matthews made a song about his sister and I though it was just awesome the actual song is about 1 min 45 sec in:

Passing time with you in mind
It’s another quiet night
Feel the ground against my back
Counting stars against the black

Think about another day
Wishing I was far away
Wherever I dreamed I was
You were there with me


Sister, I hear you laugh
My heart fills full up
Keep me please
Sister, when you cry
I feel your tears
Running down my face
Sister, sister, keep me

I hope you always know it’s true
I would never make it through
You could make the sun go DARK
Just by walking away

Playing like we used to play
Like it would never go away
I feel you beating in my chest
I’d be dead without

Anytime I have gone through a rough time, she has always been there for me. The thing is my sister and I can be very different at times but at the same time, we are very similar. We both see the problem and dwell on it until it becomes almost unbearable. Its like we envelope our thoughts around it, and keep wrapping it and wrapping it until it has become so big that it is all our mind is capable of thinking about at the time. This is definitely a type of obsessive compulsive thing but it is how I work. So when things are tough, she knows exactly what I am doing and keeps me in check with that and helps to calm me down. Its like she knows what she needs to tell me for me to purge my obsessiveness. She lets me take the problem and let it be released and really see it from outside instead of looking at it from the inside out. This most likely will not make sense to anyone except those who do the same thing.

Tuesday night, Myra fell on the ice outside of our apartment on her way to work. She came back in and immediately I was shocked. Her entire face was covered in blood and it really scared me. I first did not know what happened. The worst thing is that I could not do much for her. I gave her some ice but could not find any bandages. I just felt like I couldn't do much to take care of her. And it really made me feel kinda helpless. Not to mention she was in severe pain. And just seeing her in that much pain was really hard on me.

The point is I really love my sister and can't imagine what I would do without her. Next year, she plans on moving to Boston to fulfill her career plans. I am excited for her to do this and I am very proud of her. But I still can't help but wonder what it will be like to not have her here. Still though, she is only a phone call away so I can't worry that much. Plus, Boston isn't that far away anyways and it gives me a reason to go up and visit Boston and New England. And that isn't until next August anyways, so I will deal with it when it happens.

Could use some prayer

Just as a disclaimer: this post is not fun for me and may sound like whining. But I didn't intentionally do it that way.

Lately, I feel like God must be just trying to grab my attention. I feel this way because not much in my life right now is going very well at all. Its like everything I have tried to do, even when I do take it to God, it just fails miserably and I have had no success in it. There must be a good reason all this crap is happening to me and maybe I am learning something. But right now all I can think of is the negative crap, which is not good at all. If God is trying to tell me something, he must be also testing to see what kind of patience I can endure. Frankly I am bitter to God right now, because like I said I have brought things to Him and I still can't see or hear what plans he has or why I am still struggling through it. Everything is in His time, and if it is in His will it will be done. But I would just like some answers.

Also, I know that most of things that relate to my ministry and its success have nothing to do with what I do really. God will work in the time and ways He wants to. As long as I am faithful to it, he will reward that. And it is not about me, it is about Him. I know these things-but I can't convince my sub-conscience that it isn't my fault the ministry is struggling. That it isn't my fault our numbers are way below what they were when I even first started leading. It just is always on my mind. And this goes with pretty much everything else in my life-if stuff isn't going well and I know that it isn't my fault, I still think to myself that there was something I did that was wrong. I struggle with this. It is not that I don't believe that God is in control or don't have faith that God will let be what is to be. It is that I doubt myself way too much.

God please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me. Grant me patience. Grant me peace of mind that everything is in your plan and I don't have the power to change it. Holy Spirit guide me and rescue me from my despairs. I love you Jesus.